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Rethinking Masculinity: Asking someone out is gender-neutral

Students should dismantle barriers to asking another person on a date.   |   Maddi Seyfarth/THE CHIMES


Dating is a tough subject in Christian culture today. The lazy stereotype of early marriage always arises, but somehow perpetually manages to influence how young Christians date each other. Pressures from both outside and inside Christian culture affect the logistical process of love from asking a significant other out all the way to marriage. This first step, although simple in nature, is complex because of its gender-based influences. The stigma that men need to make the first move should no longer be a priority in regard to dating. Although it is not harmful in any way for a guy to ask girl out, the stigma that this is the only way for a date to happen can no longer be the primary way of initiating interest.

A patriarchal stigma

The stigma that men need to be the champion of relationships all the way down to dating is a gender norm within society. It lives and breathes through its perpetuation in shows and movies.

Shows such as The Millionaire Matchmaker constantly push men who may not feel comfortable in pursuing women to make themselves marketable in the dating scene. Although unrealistic for most because of its monetary nature, the concept of the show perpetuates the idea of men needing to man up and take the first step in initiating any kind of interest.

In theory, the gendered process of dating is sexist against both women and men.

Women are stigmatized as weak, leaving the “terribly hard” and “infinitely confusing” process of saying “Hey, do you want to get coffee sometime?” and actually planning this as too difficult. Does it make sense? No, not at all. Magazines like Cosmopolitan highlight this fabrication by pre-imposing the idea that women are already weak and need help with dating.

Anxiety and awkwardness

In regard to men, the idea that men should ask women out assumes they have enough confidence and self-esteem. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 18.1 percent of the adult population of America suffer from anxiety. The awkward conversation of asking a person out and going through with a date, a situation of intimacy, could trigger anxiety within someone. Not all men were created the same. Not every man can surmount personal mental difficulties in asking someone out. This weight should not have to solely rest on men.

For many students inexperienced in dating and relationships, asking another person out on a date can be simultaneously exciting and intimidating. Abandoning the seemingly obsolete dating norms of a bygone era, it seems as if numerous members of the current generation have already embraced the idea of both men and women initiating a date with another person.

Mutual respect

Mutual respect should be the foundation of any burgeoning relationship, and both individuals should establish or continue to cultivate a good line of communication between each other before entering into a relationship. Before anyone asks anyone out, it is also important to learn to have fun and acknowledge the fact that dating does not need to be as serious as many Biolans attribute it to be. In a school where some students are motivated to enter into a relationship as soon as possible, it is easy to forget to have fun and use dating as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and other people.

It is alright for both men and women to be the first person to ask another person out on a date. Regardless of the gender of the person initiating a date, it is important to focus on making sure one is mentally and spiritually prepared to invest their time and resources into a potential relationship. All great relationships are constructed on a foundation of clear and coherent communication, trust, mutual respect, reciprocity, loyalty and friendship.

If we want students to engage in healthy relationships, all students need to challenge the patriarchy and acknowledge the often intimidating aspects of dating — especially the task of asking a special someone out on a date for the first time.


Your Turn.  Post a Comment

  1. Guy who has a real girlfriend

    Seriously, if a man is suffering from such huge anxiety that he can't ask a girl he is interested in with, out for a date...then he probably has personal issues to deal with, needs to mature a little, and probably isn't fit to be in a relationship at the moment anyways.

    One of the biggest things that my girlfriend admires about me is that fact that I'm not whipped by culture into having to act like an over-feminized man.

    To my other male Biola student friends---please don't take relationship advice from Tim Seeberger, and Justin Yun, they obviously have no idea what they are talking about. March 23, 2017

  2. Erna

    Thank you for this very wonderful article. I learned a lot in this web page. Thank you very much. March 26, 2017

  3. Girl who's interested in relationships in general

    This article definitely highlights the pressure that a lot of Biola students face when it comes to dating. Many take it too seriously, almost to a courtship level. I agree that dating should be a fun, getting to know the other person adventure and so it does not really matter who initiates. I would like to see a follow up article about whether it is "ok" for the girl to ask the guy for his hand in marriage, and what your thoughts are on that. Thanks! March 28, 2017

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  9. V

    It's time to rethink having this marxist commentary being endorsed on campus. This is NOT a left wing campus, and your toxic ideology is NOT welcome here. Men are men, women are women. God made us with different natures and jobs and we should celebrate this. Men are tasked with provision and protection. As a man who has actually risked my life both for my SO and for others, this is absolute nonsense. Part of being a man (and yes a Christian Patriarch, which is a GOOD thing) is sacrifice. Sacrificing, your time, labor, your comfort, your resources and yes your safety and life (as Christ did, the Husband being a type for Christ) How can you be expected to risk your life for a wife and children if you won't even risk your ego for a coffee date? Women will not respect a man if he won't ask her out. Women need to respect a man in order to admire and desire him.
    As for the women on Biola's campus I'm gonna educate you too. Here's the thing folks, the dating market is not healthy for anyone right now. 80% of men are rated as "below average" in attractiveness. In short women have statistically unreasonable standards. Combine that with rampant female promiscuity (higher lifetime partner counts per capita and an infidelity rate on par with men) and their propensity for initiating divorce (they initiate 62% of em!) and you have a spinsters dream. This only gets worse when one considers that women (normally reasonably) date up. The problem with todays "BE A CAREER WOMYN" culture is that when you are a career woman, the more education and the higher status you attain, the less likely you will be satisfied with men at your level, the smaller the pool of candidates you will desire, and the more likely you will price yourself out of the marriage pool because of the fact men date down and young if they are powerful and well established at that level. Lonely career women demanding to know where prince charming is, is currently an epidemic. I'll spell it out. We don't want career women. Men don't want to invest in women who are promiscuous or wear the uniform of a promiscuous woman (ie, ditch the denim short shorts and spaghetti strap crop tops and wear a Sunday dress every once in awhile) we want women who are loyal, nurturing and loving. Not vapid, insta-scrolling cookie cutters. Women want strong, leading men with a mission. There is nothing about being an effete male or butch female. Want to be a real 'rebel'? Be more like the Blessed Virgin Mary and less like Jezebel. Ditch feminism and embrace traditionalism. You will be miserable otherwise because there is nothing 'feminine' about feminism, it will only make a woman into a defective man, and a man into a wombless woman. I say this out of love for the folks here. Our generation has to undo the soulless hedonism of the boomers. Let's give it a whirl shall we? September 17, 2018

  10. V

    Nothing *rebellious September 17, 2018

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