How to get a ring by spring
DISCLAIMER: I personally can’t cook, used to live in Alpha, actually enjoy the occasional display of chivalry, and, above all, whole heartedly love my Biola brothers in all their (un)conventional quirkiness. Here at Biola we have a funky dynamic and it’s healthy that we all learn to laugh at it.
Classes have begun, Nationball is on the horizon, and the hunt for your Dream Boy is on! If you’re anything like me, ladies, you’re bursting with excitement and nervous energy. So, to amp up your Ring Race game, I’ve compiled a few simple suggestions guaranteed to catch you The Man:
1. Don’t carry a contradicting Bible
Here in the “Biola Bubble,” what translation you carry says as much about you as the clothes you wear. Therefore, if you’ve got your eye on a future pastor or a Torrey hottie, don’t be seen with anything but the English Standard Version. Similarly, if you’re looking to hook an athlete, don’t flash around your NIV, lest you accidentally attract a former homeschooler. Whatever you do, do not be sighted with The Message. You may as well write “atheist” on your forehead.
2. Don’t indulge in convenience food
The easiest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and none more so than our Biola brothers. So instead of bringing on instant ramen, make a habit of preparing filet mignon, caviar, and chocolate mousse in your dorm kitchen. He will be so enraptured by the smell and your evident womanhood that he may propose on the spot! Note: If you absolutely cannot cook, you may want to consider APU. Without this proper display of femininity, your options become extremely limited.
3. Don’t challenge the gender roles
Though the world at large is quickly progressing towards gender equality, the “Bubble” is still stuck in the 1950s. Ladies, avoid threatening our brothers’ tender sense of manhood, and thus secure an eventual ring by refraining from overt displays of independence, such as making the first move, carrying heavy items, opening doors, and breathing.
4. Don’t laugh at dirty jokes
If you’re desperate for a cloak of invisibility to permanently hide your womanly charms, look no further! Laughing at innuendos, gore, and flatulence is not only unbecoming of a godly young woman, but it also causes you to emit hormones that confuse the perception centers in the male brain and lead them to interpret you as a “dude” rather than the exotic beauty that you are. Instead, simply flip your hair, bat your eyelashes, giggle demurely, and make the following observation: “Eww, that’s awkward!”
5. Don’t choose pants
Pants are modest, right? Modest is hottest, right? Not quite. While pants are an excellent cap on temptation, they are far less esteemed than their distant cousin, the skirt. Pants send the message that you a) want to do something with your degree other than talk about it while you maintain the homestead and b) do not want to pop out his future litter of 12.
6. Do go on a GYRAD tour
If your eye isn’t set on a specific slice of man candy, this is an excellent way to shop around. Compile a calendar of GYRAD dates, a list of guys in your classes, and their floor names and keep them handy. When the time comes, spring at him with cupcakes and invite yourself on his GYRAD. Then once you’re on the GYRAD, giggle, smile, stroke his hand, and pinch his bicep in admiration – a lot.
7. Do Frequent the DTR circuit
School is back in session, “friends” are reunited, and define-the-relationship season is soon to be in full swing. So girls, if you don’t mind getting a little dastardly, walk the campus nightly and watch for DTR’s. Though Biola DTRs typically have a staggering success rate, if you lie in wait long enough, you might be lucky enough to happen upon one gone awry. In such a case, wait until the DTR has concluded, and swoop on in! He’ll be a broken shell of a man in desperate need of tender love and care, but if you can nurse him back to emotional health, he’s all yours!
8. Do Learn the Ways of the Alpha Girl
Though the inhabitants of Biola’s only sorority house have a notorious reputation as shameless flirts, they are, in fact the only girls on campus who are never without boy toys. There is a reason for this. Their midnight rooftop siren songs, though they may seem unorthodox, produce indisputable results. So get out there, chant, make a shrine, burn it, screech like a harpy, and voila! Tomorrow your Bible Boy will show up outside your door with roses, chocolates, and your ring.
9. Do Embrace Awkward Guys
This may seem entirely counterproductive, but ladies, what with the crippling 3 to 1 ratio already working against you, you can’t afford to be picky. Statistics show that only 64 percent of male Biola students are capable of adeptly navigating day-to-day social situations. And ladies, that two-thirds is likely to be under the influence of the aforementioned “Alpha Girl Siren Song.” So grab the first guy that hits on you and drag him over to Emer-Man. After a few weeks of testosterone overdose, crude humor, and inappropriate male-on-male touching, your awkward boy will magically transform into a hunk of gorgeous man flesh.
10. Do Consider the Ambush
Desperate for the guy? Want everyone to know about it? Plan an ambush! Simply ask your hottie to dinner at the caf, bring a flashy ring, plant it in your cake while he’s loading up on chili dogs, and gush like a giddy school girl when you “discover” it. If you do it right, the people around you will notice and the situation will escalate to such ecstatic pandemonium that he’ll have no choice but to play along or be branded “Judas.”
Happy hunting, ladies!