A well-trained boy

I don’t know if you all have noticed this or not, but lately people have been pretty rude. Unfortunately the real “Dear Abby” is retired and the authorities are too underfunded to adequately equip and train a Polite Patrol. That’s why it is clearly up to me. Don’t worry, though; I used to be in 4H.

If you’re concerned that this is going to turn into yet another advice column on which way the knife points when you’re setting the table, you can rest assured that I am not going to take that route. No, I plan on stamping out bad dates and roommate squabbles using the pet training approach. I believe that the same principles behind teaching Spot not to stain carpet can be used in teaching Johnny to put the seat down. It is a system of both positive and negative reinforcement using popular pet behavioral adjustment techniques such as treats, rolled-up newspapers and neutering. These can all be powerful tools in combating rudeness. Allow me to give you a few scenarios in which my training techniques would be implemented:

1. Among Friends: In this scenario we meet Chuck. Chuck is a regular guy and like many regular guys, he has a cell phone that he likes to use to call his friends. Unfortunately, Chuck exceeds the proper and polite amount of time conversing with these friends (proper time is about a minute and a half). Sometimes Chuck’s phone calls can last almost 10 minutes! How is anybody going to get anything done if Chuck spends all day with them on the phone? What does he even have to talk about for that long? Is he giving a State of the Union Address? The solution to this scenario is for someone to drive over to Chuck’s house, squirt him in the face with water from a spray bottle, and tell him how bad he’s been. I’ll volunteer if anyone needs me too.

2. Around Town: Here’s what really gets me upset: when people keep coming up to you, flailing their arms, and trying to get your attention during baseball season. Oftentimes people try talking to me during actual baseball games. Look, the season just started this week, and it only lasts until October. What is so urgent that it can’t wait until October? Clearly these people are too needy and should be tied up outside until they can learn to behave or until November, whichever comes first.

3. Classroom: There have been several occasions in which I find myself sitting in a class surrounded by girls. I was minding my own business when all of the sudden someone silently passes a gas that is so noxious that paint starts peeling and my hair falls out. Usually at this point everyone in the immediate area assumes that it is me because I am the only male there. I propose that in cases like this we should immediately find the offending parties, put them in a room and set up an invisible fence around it so every time they think about leaving, they receive 50,000 volts to remind them to take responsibility for their actions and then another 50,000 volts just for eating whatever it was that is apparently causing them to rot from the inside out.

I’m pretty sure that this polite training approach is going to catch on. Soon mothers everywhere will be scratching their sons behind the ears and telling them what good boys they’ve been for not staying out past curfew. But that’s all the time I have for this week. Until next time, I’ll be out on patrol with my spray bottle in hand, so keep those elbows off the tables in the cafe.